Steven Wright

Steven Wright is a favorite comedian of mine. Known for his deadpan dry and droll  jokes, he is ranked number 15 of the top 50 stand-up comedians of all time by Rolling Stone Magazine. 

His quirky twists to perspectives, and his acute sense of the unexpected, certainly indicates a highly creative mind. Not only was he a great comedian, he also won an Oscar for a short action film. Asked if there is any formula to his humor, Wright replied: 

“There's no formula. From the moment you wake up to when you go to sleep, you keep tiny pieces of information like a mosaic painting just drifting by all day just zapping all day until you go to sleep. Some of those things just like leap out or I connect with 'em. Oh look at that if you put that one over there, that's funny, that's not how that's usually looked at. It's like that. It's from noticing, simply from noticing.”

Perhaps this is what good humor shows us - to simply take notice and adjust one's perspective - even if only slightly. Here is a selection of mind-shifting Steven Wright one-liners.

If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is not for you.

Half the people you know are below average.

99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.

82,7% of statistics are made up on the spot.

All those who believe in psychokinesis, raise my hand.

Ok, so what’s the speed of dark?

What happens if you get half scared to death twice?

Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.

If at first you don’t succeed, destroy all evidence that you’ve tried.

I went to a restaurant that serves 'breakfast at any time' -

so I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.

I’m writing a book; I’ve got the page numbers done.

I’m writing an unauthorized autobiography.

I’d kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life.

Why isn’t the word “phonetically” spelled with an “f”?

Shin: a device for finding furniture in the dark.

I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made the horn louder.

Do the people in Australia call the rest of the world “up-over”?

I slept in a very old hotel last night. They sent me a wake-up letter.

I have an existential map. It has “You Are Here” written all over it.